Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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