You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
