also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
