i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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