You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
