So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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