Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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