I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
