In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
