I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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