You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
