I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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