Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
