Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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