My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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