Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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