even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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