it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize