Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
