Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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