I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Houston, we have a squirter
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
