Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
