something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
