I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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