I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
