Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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