last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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