soooo we both peed the bed last night...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
