so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
