i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize