I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
