Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Of course I have a pirate flag
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
