its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize