Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
