You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
