She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
