The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
