There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
