I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
