Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
