Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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