because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
