I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
