I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize