Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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