so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize