The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize