He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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