I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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