I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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