WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
