Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
