Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
