i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
