Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize