I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
