1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
